Sunday, March 21, 2010

If Lauren ran the movies...

So not to sound like a broken record, but I didn't post for a good chunk of January, all of Febuary and most of March..which kinda sucks because I've got things that I want to do, and I reallllly love having cool people checking out my blog. Thankfully I've got some time off work this week, and you all might be in luck and see some massive amounts of cool shite comin' out(lotsa Skatara stuff that I want to get around to) So please stick around for that.

In the meantime though? You'll have to deal with what might be a new feature on the blog: "If Lauren ran the movies" Which is basically what it says on the tin. Basically for a brief moment I'm going to take you into the(perverted)recesses of my mind, and pluck out movie ideas that I'd greenlight in a heartbeat. It's probably distressing, it's probably disturbing, and what you might find is that I'm an extremely shallow person...but hey it's the best I could come up with at the moment, so deal with it.

*Ahem* Anyways here's our very first pitch, and away it goes!

Easily marketed title: The Defending One
Starring: Gina Carano, Alyson Hannigan, Salma Hayek

Quickly pitched plot!: Salma Hayek plays evil crazy Mexican drug cartel boss who discovers sweet innocent catholic girl Alyson Hannigan has witnessed a murder! Naturally she sends lethal assassins to kill the poor girl, who plays it smart by running into the arms of Gina Carano's badass death-dealing, chica from hell.

Why should the movie be made: It'll be a non-stop action ride, that pits a dynamic action heroine against massive odds with great stunts! It's also a tender coming of age tale...I think.

The real reason for this movie: Because I want to see Carano and Hannigan in lots of chains, squirming around and wiggling all over each other as they try to escape the cartel's death dungeon. Also? Something about a slow motion seduction scene in a hot tub, with Hannigan's red hair soaking wet, Carano's well toned body covered in a sheen of water, and a tight fitting space that would force both.....goddamnit I've lost my train of thought.

How much is Lauren fantasing about this instead of doing work: Lots.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Donate to Haiti

The situation in Haiti is horrible, more than horrible really. The country's already been hit hard by all kinds of shite in it's history and the quake is just the latest in a long line of woes. Now I'm not going to hit anybody with a guilt trip, and lord knows money is tight, but if you've got a little extra, and it's not going to hurt you if it goes away? A donation might be good.

I don't know if it will help in the long run, or if the situation is even more severe than we can imagine....but a little bit can always help, and lord knows these people need it.

Edge-Town: Dani Fitzpatrick

Past-Life: Dani's life in television was about as dull and route as one can imagine. As the resident forensic lab-rat on the popular ABC series Forensics Tactical Squad: FTS(famous for starring washed-up Jeff Fahey, before he was replaced by Billy Baldwin) Dani was known for only three things:
1. Exposition while wearing short skirts, with frequent geek references so that the writers could prove their hipness(I.E. "Wow this reminds of The Thing directed by John Carpenter)
2. Her skills with the martial arts, which seems to be a skill all asian girls have, even when they've been raised by a middle-class Irish American couple.
3. Being both gay and into bondage, both of which are treated as kinda sweeps-week exploitation and not much more.
Of course none of these things made enough of an impression to keep her on the show, so at the end of season four not only did her girlfriend die(natch) at the hands of a diobolical serial killer(The baker, who's victims suffered cooking related traps) but she died as well when during her quest for revenge she met a booby-trapped shotgun.
TV guide said her death "shocked them" which says a lot about TV guide.
Now-Life: Of course Dani didn't figure that your life isn't over when you die on television, but rather just getting started for real. Namely she's now alive, free, and completely on her own in the teeming megapolis that is Edge-Town, and she rather likes it. Sure there's a few hundred more problems that she has to deal with(like paying rent for the first time! Or learning how to catch a bus without arriving at the farrrrrr side of town) but to her credit she's taking it all in stride, and actually seems to enjoy the crazy, hectic, and mega-urban enviroment of the place.
Hell she's even got a new girlfriend(Gabriella Vargas) who's all kinds of fun, and has a pretty swanky job at one of the hippest bars in the city(6th Heaven on Dog Street) and lots of new friends.
Of course said bar is also the target of extortion by the biggest gangboss in the city(Ehura Mazda the Assyrian war goddess) and as a result is about to learn that the way the fine staff, and regulars at the bar deal with gangsters is with bullets, fists, knives, and anything else they can get their hands on.
But hey! That's just life in the big city.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Awkward situation~The Girl from UNITY

"I hate you." Bodana snarled at me as she flexed in the ropes, arched her back, and writhed. "And I love you more and more everyday." I replied as I wiggled in the ropes as well and giggled.

6 hours, we've been sitting in a chair..well I've been sitting in the chair, Bodana's been straddling my lap. Ropes have been tied around our torsos pinning me tightly against the back of the chair, and pinning Bodana to me, more bind our wrists behind our backs, and my feet have been tied to the front chair legs, and her feet tied to the back. "I mean only thing I'd do is turn up the heat." I say grinding my hips against hers. We're not wearing much, me in a red satin bra and panties, her in a yellow bra and something that well..doesn't really cover her bottom half that well.

"You know when those two Serbian extremists are going to come back here and torture us to death soon enough..right? It's going to be horrible, it's going to be painful, you'll probably cry." Bodana intones and I just nod my head, clearly she doesn't understand that with a Russian accent? Everything you do sounds kinda hot. "Don't worry lass, I'll get us out soon enough." I say with a wry smile. "And did you also know that wiggling around makes me concentrate more?"

Bodana sighs at this, and I always love that, but then again I figure that if I've gotta follow orders from her constantly the least she can do is deal with me. "You know Lauren, I don't have to put up with this. I can get another partner, I can pick somebody more agreeable, and I can have you thrown back in that prison with the "dyke bulls"" She says to my snickering. "Bull dykes, and I don't think it's gonna happen." I say with a slight purr. "One, because you know I'm the best agent there is, and two because you like me."

Bodana almost squeels at this. "I hate you, I loathe you, I'm going to kil..gmgmgmgmgmghmH!" That cut off is from me kissing her right on her ruby red lips and holding on for dear life. Her eyes are wide, her body is ridgid. And that second? Four UNITY agents come busting into the room guns drawn, and welllll....looking at an all too interesting sight.

I part from the kiss and smile, Bodana looks both dazed and furious.

"I hate you."

I doubt that.

Thursday, December 31, 2009

New series in development: EDGE TOWN

Danni Fitzpatrick was a police officer. Not a great one, not a bad one, just a cop and nothing more. She didn't do much, or talk much, and aside from a case that seemed tied into her coming out of the closet she didn't really contribute much to the cases. Then during an intense stand-off she wound up shot and killed.......well sort of.

The reason Danni didn't have much of a personality is that she was the 5th lead on a popular network cop show, was added during the 4th season, and was kept around to tackle "controversial" stories and make-out with some model for sweeps week. She also wasn't really dead though her "life in fiction" was over. Which is why she found herself on a steamship surrounded by characters both mundane and bizzare, and heading for the port of a city that looked as if Rio, Tokyo, 1800's Paris, and had Vincent Van Gogh's art all got smushed together.
The city was called Edge-Town and if you happened to be any fictional character, this is where you wound up either after getting killed, or at the end of the story you happened to be in. Everybody from the superhero who headlined the latest blockbuster movie, to the deli counter guy who appeared for one second in the film turned up in the city, which as a result dwarfed any real city on the face of the planet.

And Danni with only 500 "gils"(the money system of the city) in her pocket and not a single place to stay decided to take the first job she could find. That job being "bar-tender" which paid well enough for Danni to get herself an apartment(albeit in a run-down neighborhood), but which oddly enough oftentimes entails getting shot at by every single psychopath, mercenary, and mafioso And in a city where the largest ganglord happens to be an 8000 year old Sumerian death-goddess, you know there's some really dangerous chappies at there.

That's quite alright though because Danni's got some new friends, and life for once seemingly has meaning. The bar's janitor is an anicent Celtic hero, one of the customers is a junior enchantress, the owner is a hot Texas cowgirl, and Danni's new girlfriend is a mexican telenovela heroine who now moonlights as an assassin.

Hey at least it's interesting.

(Expect this new series not long after my first Skatara tale wraps up. And look for some bios on the blog for various characters who'll be popping up.)

Krautrockin' All New Year's Eve!

I think every one of my friends know that in addition to being kinky, and lazy, that I'm also something of a wannabe musician and kind of a failed artist. I've played drums(and a wee bit of guitar) off and on for a good deal of my life, and I do a little sculpting and modern art(yes the pretentious kind) on the side.

As a result of this combination my musical tastes aren't really for everybody and tend to run from rockabily to hardcore to hip-hop without a lot of care. But my big thing, and my favorite genre as a whole is krautrock.

Artisty, loud, avant-garde, cool, and wild. Krautrock's the type of stuff that moves the inner-performance artist inside of me. So I figured bands like Faust, Amon Duul II(Who's ultra-smokin' hot singer Renate Knaup graces the page) Can, Kraftwerk, Neu!, and Ashra will be burning up at my home come new years eve.

People may cover their ears if they wish.

P.S. If anybody's actually interested in the music itself? Take looksie at this badass BBC documentary done on it here:

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Ways of Making me Talk

So I went and saw "Nine" today, and while it should be noted that I'm a fan of musicals(I paid for and enjoyed Dreamgirls) adore the works of Italian Cinema(Who loves Fellini? I love Fellini) and think Daniel Day Lewis is one of the best actors in the world, the movie left me utterly cold and I walked out kinda hating it. Oh except for the part where Penelope Cruz has a whole dance number in the outfit you see above.

Now I'm not one of these people who says "I'd chop my hand off if such-and-such would go out with me" but I'd probably cut off at least one body part for Cruz. She's one of those very few actresses right now that completely and utterly turns me into a puddle of Lauren-goo in any of her movies.(Salma Hayek is another one..which made certain scenes in Banditas suprisingly easy to sit through)

And if I might be honest? If I had any goverment information, all one would have to do is strip me down, tie me to a chair, and send her in to work magic, and I'd be talking without any torture whatsoever....hell I might just lie and sell out a few family members as well.

Espically if she speaks Spanish.....Spanish always breaks me.